The Single Worst Day of Jimmy Hopkins Life
by INMH
Summary: Beating up the Mascot is funny, but not allowedSemi-short crack-fic. Jimmy fills in for Constantinos and runs into a problem.


The Single worst day of Jimmy Hopkins' Life

Rating: PG-13/T  
Genre: Humor

Summary: Beating up the Mascot is funny, but not allowedSemi-short crack-fic. Jimmy fills in for Constantinos and runs into a problem.

Author's Note: This general idea popped up about the time I finished the Jock chapter. I mean… C'mon… How can you not do something with this…? I turned Jimmy into "Bully: The No Porn Bull!"

Disclaimer: I don't own Bully. It belongs to Rockstar Vancouver games.

--

Being the Mascot was probably among the most humiliating jobs you could get at Bullworth.

Usually, it was Constantinos Brakus stuck with the humiliating position. He already thought the world sucked- why not stick him with the job?

Unfortunately, Constantinos' great-aunt-something-or-other had passed away in New York, and he and Anthony were out for the week. Like they cared.

So, pop quiz time: who got stuck with the position of Mascot?

Anyone? Anyone?

DING DING DING! Down in front- the answer "Jimmy Hopkins" is correct!

The coach knew, and probably Crabblesnitch as well, but no one else, really. He had no intention of letting Zoe, Petey or Gary (Dear _God_ not Gary) know that he'd been saddled with the dreaded position.

Petey would be sympathetic- Jimmy hated sympathy. It would ruin his image of masculinity to Zoe- like he needed to damage his rep with the only steady girlfriend he'd ever had.

And Gary…

Gary would tear his _ass_ apart until the moon fell into the sea if he found out about this, whether he was medicated or not. He'd be getting various Bull jokes for the rest of his life.

The good thing about all this was that the costume did its job of protecting the identity of its hapless victim well. You could barely tell who was in the costume unless they identified themselves or had a distinctive voice. So Jimmy was safe as long as he didn't do anything that would give away who he was.

The bad part about all this was that Jimmy had to take the costume back to his dorm and keep it there until the game that night. While not letting on that he was the mascot to the other guys. So here came his exercise for the day…

Jimmy decided in the end that it would be better to wear the costume on his way to the dorm, make sure no one was around, and then duck into his room and take it off. He could hide the costume in his closet easily enough (Or gouge a hole in the wall and stuff it in. Whatever worked.)

The plan did not go as smoothly as he thought it would. Jimmy conveniently forgot that as long as he had that costume on, he might as well have been walking with a 'kick me' sign, a few target sheets, and a few scraps of fresh meat taped to him.

He had eggs thrown at him, rocks, pens, paper wads, firecrackers, marbles, stink bombs… Though thankfully, there was no itching powder that would have required him to rip the suit off and expose his identity. The cliques put aside their differences this day, all in the name of football, and hopelessly tormenting the mascot. Hell, even the Nerds joined in- it was a rare treat for there to be someone or something lower on the metaphorical food-chain than themselves.

So, basically, he charged into the dorm at top speed, looking like he'd just run a marathon through the high school version of No-Man's land, and just about ready to rip off the head and show those idiots exactly who they were pelting the projectiles at… Jimmy snickered softly. Oh yes, the horrified looks he would receive…

But still, the humiliation of being the mascot would weigh heavily, and even if no one tormented him endlessly on it, there would always be the little side jokes to keep him bitter. They (The cliques) respected him; however, they were not above making fun of him just enough to make him incredibly irritated…

Suddenly, Jimmy heard something that made his heart stop. It was the TV, and there was a man speaking… _"And diving next will be_-_" _

Oh. Shit.

Petey was in the next room. Probably with Gary. Heaven and hell knew the two were thick as thieves now.

Petey, even if he didn't figure out that it was Jimmy, would probably refrain from any derogatory remarks. He knew what it was like to be the common bait for everyone else in the school. But, as mentioned before, Gary… Would never, never, never _ever _let him forget it. He'd be reminding Jimmy of it in their eighties.

Very, very quietly, Jimmy slowly began to move down the hall and towards the right, to his room. _Pleasedon'tletthemhearmePleasedon'tletthemhearmePleasePleasePlease PleasePLEASEdon'tletthemhearme_…

It seemed that Jimmy's fervent prayer had been answered- there was no sign that Petey or Gary had heard him enter the dorm. Sighing with utter relief, he opened the door to his room.

_CREEEEEEEEEEEAK…_

…Dammit…

"Hey, Jimmy, you back?" Came Gary's voice (You lived in the dorm long enough, you learned to tell which doors were being opened or closed at any given time). Jimmy dove into his room with spectacular speed, turning in midair to kick the door shut, and nearly ramming his head into his desk. As soon as he was coherent (and somewhat certain he didn't have a serious head injury), he began tugging at the Bull's head.

Pause.

Oh no.

Oh hell no.

-

Gary crossed his arms. "Why you think he's hiding from us?" He asked Petey, standing nearby. Petey shrugged.

"Maybe he's not. Maybe he's just busy." Gary said nothing, looking highly unconvinced. He knocked on the door.

"C'mon, Jimmy, we know you're in there… We heard you slam the door…" There was no answer. Gary cocked an eyebrow. "Think I should kick it in?"

"No!" Petey gasped. "He'd kill you!" Gary snorted.

"I'd like to see him try." He rapped on the door again. "Hey! Hopkins! Open the door before I bust it down!"

"Do that and you'll be shouting with an iron lung, Smith!" Jimmy roared from inside, finally responding. Petey blinked.

"Does his voice sound muffled to you?" He whispered to Gary. Gary shrugged.

"Can we come in?"

"NO!"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO! NOW GET LOST!"

"Ooh," Gary said, smirking, "Do you have _Zoe_ in there, Hopkins?

"NO!"

"I bet you do! Hey Zoe, make sure remembers to use a condom- you don't wanna end up like-"

"Gary," Jimmy's voice was frighteningly calm. "Shut your mouth before I come out there and shut it for you."

"Normally, you would have already." Gary said. "Why haven't you?" There was a long, long pause.

"Are you all right, Jimmy?" Petey asked.

Pause.

"Is there anyone else out there?"

"No."

Another pause.

"If either of you laugh… So help me… I'll frickin' kill you." Came Jimmy's deadly tone from behind the door. Gary and Petey exchanged brief, confused looks, shrugged, and then nodded.

"All right, we won't."

The final pause ended when the door slowly creaked open- just a sliver of the way, really. They could not see Jimmy, presumably standing behind the door. Just then, a large, red object appeared in the crack. It was square-ish. Had two ears. Horns. A ring through the nose.

Without warning, the door flew open the rest of the way, and two hooved-hands shot out, grabbed them both by the front of the shirts, and pulled them inside. Much like Jimmy's own mad dash into his room, Petey nearly slammed head-long into the desk, saved only by Gary seizing the back of his vest.

"Geez, a little harder Jimmy, I don't think that was a close enough call as it-" Gary stopped dead. He had finally gotten a good look at the other boy… Er… Bull… His jaw dropped. Petey's did as well. Jimmy was glowering at them from under the bull's headpiece (It was a wild guess- glowering was what Jimmy did best, after all…)

After they overcame the shock, then came the laughter. Petey immediately slapped both hands over his mouth, and Gary bit his lip sharply, crossing his arms and glancing downward. Jimmy continued to glower, silently daring either of them to let even a giggle escape. He would immensely enjoy laying the almighty smackdown on the first one to crack.

Of course, this was Gary.

"This is the most-"

"-_Unfunny_ thing we have ever seen! RIGHT?" Petey hissed, digging his elbow into Gary's side. He could clearly see Jimmy shaking… And he highly doubted that the other boy was simply cold. The room was small, and Jimmy was blocking the only viable exit- if he decided to kill them, they would not escape unscathed.

"The hell it is! Where's my camera when I need it?!"

"Try looking behind your medication bottles," Jimmy snarled. "You have enough of them to build a full-scale replica of the Empire State Building!" Gary smiled in a cute, innocent- and unbelievably _fake_- way.

"But they're what keep me sweet," He said, batting his eyelashes in a horribly failing attempt at sweetness.

"My ass they do." Jimmy grunted, moving away from the door. Petey relaxed- they now had an escape route. And from the looks of it, they'd need one; Gary had a look on his face that suggested that Halloween had come early this year (Screw Christmas- on Halloween, you run around in a mask pulling pranks on people. What could be better than that?)

Jimmy sighed. "Look. Whatever. Could you just give me a hand with the head? It's a little stuck." Gary chuckled.

"Sure thing." He reached up, grabbed the bull by the horns (Ha ha… Funny pun), and tugged. It didn't move. Gary blinked, then gave another tug, a little harder this time. The head didn't move.

"Ah… Jimmy… I can't get it off."

There was a long, long pause.

"Gary, of all the unfunny shit you have ever pulled, this is the un-funniest. Take the head off."

"I _can't_, I'm serious!" Gary turned to Petey. "Petey, you try- show him I'm serious." Petey moved forward and gripped the horns, then pulled up.

"Um…"

"Oh no. Oh no. Oh hell-fricking-_no_…" Jimmy growled, pulling back and tugging furiously at the horns on his own. "This cannot be happening. This is- this-" He stopped dead, and started shaking again. Petey and Gary backed up pointedly. "_THIS SMELLS LIKE BOARPRICE!_" Jimmy exploded. (1)

"It would make sense…" Petey whispered, leaning back as Jimmy began to pace back and forth furiously.

"This is great- just friggin' perfect! I might as well have a target on my back!" He froze dead. "Oh _God_, I can't let Zoe see me like this. She would… She'd… Oh God, I don't even want to think about what she'd do!"

"Dump you? Mock you continuously?" Gary asked lightly. The bull head turned to face him very, very slowly, and he barely managed to repress another bout of laughter.

"Jimmy, Jimmy- Calm down, Jimmy!" Petey urged, raising his hands in a placating motion as the other boy took a menacing step forward. "Hey, hey- How about this: Gary and I will go get Zoe, and we'll take her off campus until the game, huh? She'll never see you until the game's over, and we can cut the head off then."

Gary folded his arms behind his head lazily. "You don't think Burton or Crabblesnitch will get pissed at you wrecking the mascot uniform?"

"Like you care."

"True. But the question stands."

"I can fix it, all right?" Gary grinned.

"Oh, right… You're taking Home Ec, aren't you, Petey-boy?" Petey's eyes narrowed.

"Careful, Gary," He muttered, "Or I might be tempted to sew the legs of all your slacks together." Gary shrugged nonchalantly, but notably kept his mouth shut. Jimmy, however, nodded wearily (It appeared comic, however, from the Bull's head).

"All right, all right. I'm not sure what you two could do that won't make her suspicious, but I'm open to anything right now." Petey nodded, relieved.

"Okay. We'll go do that."

They started out of the room, when Gary suddenly froze.

"Hey, Jimmy, before we go… Want a Red Bull out of the vending machine?" He asked, biting his bottom lip sharply.

"I really wish you could see which finger I'm holding up right now." (2)

-

(1): Just sort of semi-parallel to my Bull vs. Boar story. Don't know if I'll mention it in the main storyline, though.

(2): This is a popular game that I enjoy playing with people who piss me off at school. Particularly the ones that think they know everything.

I was going to turn this into a fairly long story, but I really couldn't think of a storyline to elaborate what I already had. I scanned over what I had written, decided it was funny and long enough, and then posted it. Squeak.


End file.
